Passport....Check!

The new passport arrived this morning to the sheer surprise and delight of my mom who begged the question, "You didn't tell me you got a new passport?" in the same tone she would have would have stated, "You didn't tell me you got a B- on your Algebra test" should I ever have scored so high on a math exam. (To all those in the know, it is now plainly obvious which Noodle is posting this). My mom then went on to tell me that if it not were for Chi Chi, the passport would have marched back to its Federal Building in the Mid-West. Apparently mom was upstairs and Nati was blogging her recipe for Kasha Varnishka and the only one who heard the doorbell ring was The Chi. Beloved Chi Chi.

A Strange Cold

I have a strange cold. My head feels loopy and sometimes when I'm walking with someone, I secretly hope they will scoop me up and carry me like a suitcase. That way I can enjoy the sensation of being weightless while lying horizontally. This is what the loopy cold is causing my body to crave. That's the cold. No coughing, no snot. That's it. Fascinating. Everyone that has a blog thinks that everything they write is fascinating. I love me.

Support Terri's Law and Shed Pounds!

Thanks go out to Everybody Loves Raymond star Patricia Heaton for premiering a new Hollywood diet on Entertainment Tonight this evening: the Euthanasia Diet! Yes, dear Patty "rocked" Hollywood when she told an ET reporter that she intends to fast and forego all foods and liquids in symbolic support of Terri Schraivo. Patricia plans to start her fast "soon...maybe tomorrow...maybe Friday, yeah, it's Good Friday, maybe on Good Friday" and end her fast when the ink dries on her TrimSpa contract and Mel Gibson's lips begin to slowly disengage from her ass.

Stars known for battling both the bulge and a rep for being vapid came out as early supporters of Patricia's plan and enthusiastically embraced the opportunity to try on political pretense while taking off pesky pounds. Jessica Simpson, for one, appreciates the diet's simplicity, 'Know nothing, eat nothing...it works for me!" And Lindsay Lohan, formerly a devotee of the popular "Blow Only" diet remarked, "If necessary, I will take my fast all the way to the Supreme Court. Or to the President. Or to Benson. Or whoever it is that works in a big white house and is responsible for these things."

Other observers might say that starving is what actresses like Patricia Heaton do for a living...voluntarily. If Patricia really wanted to show the world what it's like to walk in Terri's shoes, perhaps she should lay in Terri's bed. Immobile. For 15 years. Without any brain activity whatsoever. (Although, maybe Patricia already knows what that last bit is like.)

Yes, I'm in Jail - What the Fuck Do You Want?

Is every phone call you make (aside from the ones dialed directly to friends, aquaintances, and moviefone) sent directly to someone in jail? Have these car thieves, pimps, and rapists completely taken over the customer service industry? Is their reward for good behavior our punishment for having to return a cable box? And if this reward system is a sort of rehabilitation program that will one day benefit these raging attitude assholes, can they at least reserve these jobs for white collar criminals? I mean, really.

The Downside of Joan Allen

All the critics are raving about Joan Allen's performance in "The Upside of Anger". She's a good actress. Those "daisy chain" scenes in "The Contender" couldn't have been pulled off by any second-rate hack (read: Kelly Preston). But I don't know about this most recent performance. It was a little overwrought. Too "Ben Stiller-I'm so highstrung and flummoxed by the incompetencies of others". I mean, we get it. The title of the movie tells us it's a film about anger. The moronic opening voiceover by the preternaturally wise youngest daughter tells us to watch out because Joan's character is one crazy bitch on the edge. So do we really have to see the same clenched teeth, speechless, neck veins bulging "I can't take this anymore" face from her in every scene? Is that great acting nowadays? In this movie, Joan's neck is just too long, her body too rail thin and her clothes and hair too impeccably assembled. All four of those daughters of hers would be majorly drug addicted, eating disordered sluts. Instead, each daughter mildly dabbles in one or the other of these vices and the movie misses out on a great opportunity to show how perfect moms fuck up their daughters way more than imperfect ones.

haaaa

Upside of Kevin Costner

For a nip/tucked, monotone buffoon, Costner was the best thing about the Upside of Anger or what black people would call (should they ever see this movie) White People Are Crazy. Things I learned from this awful movie: 1. White people are crazy. 2. In the future, avoid seeing movies that are mainly dramas but have occasional funny scenes. The audience will mistake the entire movie for a comedy and laugh at points of very serious dialogue like someone just got kicked in the nuts. 3. I love Kerry Russell.

Year of the Walker

I've noticed a trend in 2005 - retirement parties. I'm all for them. Better than the other big trend of 2005 - crazy right wing fundamentalists.