Stop laughing fucktard!

Last summer in Thailand, Noodles spent every afternoon in sweaty cafes, sipping pineapple shakes and watching bootleg DVDs of all the newly-released Hollywood blockbusters. If the movie was good, we could buy our own copy for about $3. And if the movie sucked, hey, what's $3?

Well, to Tinsletown brass, those three bucks are about eight to twelve dollars less than they would have ripped you off for back home for the same piece of shit at the local stadiumplex box office or Best Buy outlet. After our last few nights out at the movies in L.A., it's clear that Hollywood is seriously pissed about these inroads into their previously pure profit vomit. And unlike that 40 baht tranny whore you got the "massage" from back on Koh Samui Boulevard, these guys aren't going to take it lying down.

On Thursday, Noodles went to a free, sneak preview of "Running With Scissors," a new movie based on the dysfunctional-family memoir by that gay guy who's not as funny as David Sedaris. We passed through four security check points, had our purses thoroughly searched before entering the theater (for cell phone cameras, not bombs), and received a stern admonishment by some asshole who thinks carrying a clipboard makes him important that making any recording during the movie was illegal and, of course, punishable by death (even Hollywood has to admit, there are some parts of the Thai legal system worth co-opting).

Turns out the movie was so bad, the studio's best chances for earning any ROI are on the streets of Phat Phyong as a free giveaway with the full-price purchase of a fake MurakamiVuitton. But that didn't stop the screening company from employing bouncer-style goons to stand at the front of the theater throughout the entire movie and scan the audience with infrared telescope binnoculars looking for bootleggers. Fortunately, any potential pirateers in the crowd were struck catatonic by the film's banality and we never got to see whether the "copyright enforcement officers" would actually shoot upon discovering such a degenerate.

Tonight, Noodles went to see "Thank You For Smoking," a satirical comedy about a smooth talking tobacco lobbyist. Although Noodles were split in their final take on the film, both agreed it was more consistently funny than most recent movies they'd seen. To the guy sitting next to us in the theater, though, this was clearly the understatement of the year. This guy laughed at every line of every joke in every scene during the entire movie. And not just a wry chuckle or two as might be expected in response to the movie's witty subtleties. No, these were full-bodied, throw your head back, I'm a professional laugh track vocalist, kinds of laughs. So annoying to nearby moviegoers who had just paid $12 each to see the movie! Yet, conveniently, so effective at ruining the sound quality of any bootleg being made in the near vicinity. Is that industry payola we hear rattling around in this guy's pockets? (Er, would have heard if he hadn't just coughed up a lung laughing so loudly at a mundane boobie joke).

Which brings us to our final movie outing in recent months in which we can't help but feel that the studios have become unconscionably bold in their intrusiveness into the movie going experience. The audience for this film featured the same giggling bafoon, strategically seated two seats away, valiantly serving the American ideals of justice, liberty and intellectual property rights with his cackle blocking of any would-be bootleggers. And studios love investing in this guy becuase his uproarious laughter and drunken, Paul Abdul seal-claps of approval also remind audiences that the mediocre movie they are watching is actually fucking hysterical. But just in case those efforts are too subtle, the studio behind this movie actually hired a team of "activists" dressed in white lab coats to descend on movie-goers after the film and plead for us to complete a survey about the movie we had just seen. Only with our help, they claimed, could this incredibly funny movie get the wide-release distribution it deserved. To feed a starving child in Africa for a week and send this movie to the mutliplex in Dubuque, all we needed to do is circle "5" for every question on the form. It feels so good just knowing that you are part of the solution.

Perhaps going out to the movies is proving too much for the cynical Noodles. Maybe we should all just stay home and see what the Tivo has dragged in. Tonight's offer: "Maria Shriver and Oprah's friend Gayle look into America's poor."