Stop laughing fucktard!

Last summer in Thailand, Noodles spent every afternoon in sweaty cafes, sipping pineapple shakes and watching bootleg DVDs of all the newly-released Hollywood blockbusters. If the movie was good, we could buy our own copy for about $3. And if the movie sucked, hey, what's $3?

Well, to Tinsletown brass, those three bucks are about eight to twelve dollars less than they would have ripped you off for back home for the same piece of shit at the local stadiumplex box office or Best Buy outlet. After our last few nights out at the movies in L.A., it's clear that Hollywood is seriously pissed about these inroads into their previously pure profit vomit. And unlike that 40 baht tranny whore you got the "massage" from back on Koh Samui Boulevard, these guys aren't going to take it lying down.

On Thursday, Noodles went to a free, sneak preview of "Running With Scissors," a new movie based on the dysfunctional-family memoir by that gay guy who's not as funny as David Sedaris. We passed through four security check points, had our purses thoroughly searched before entering the theater (for cell phone cameras, not bombs), and received a stern admonishment by some asshole who thinks carrying a clipboard makes him important that making any recording during the movie was illegal and, of course, punishable by death (even Hollywood has to admit, there are some parts of the Thai legal system worth co-opting).

Turns out the movie was so bad, the studio's best chances for earning any ROI are on the streets of Phat Phyong as a free giveaway with the full-price purchase of a fake MurakamiVuitton. But that didn't stop the screening company from employing bouncer-style goons to stand at the front of the theater throughout the entire movie and scan the audience with infrared telescope binnoculars looking for bootleggers. Fortunately, any potential pirateers in the crowd were struck catatonic by the film's banality and we never got to see whether the "copyright enforcement officers" would actually shoot upon discovering such a degenerate.

Tonight, Noodles went to see "Thank You For Smoking," a satirical comedy about a smooth talking tobacco lobbyist. Although Noodles were split in their final take on the film, both agreed it was more consistently funny than most recent movies they'd seen. To the guy sitting next to us in the theater, though, this was clearly the understatement of the year. This guy laughed at every line of every joke in every scene during the entire movie. And not just a wry chuckle or two as might be expected in response to the movie's witty subtleties. No, these were full-bodied, throw your head back, I'm a professional laugh track vocalist, kinds of laughs. So annoying to nearby moviegoers who had just paid $12 each to see the movie! Yet, conveniently, so effective at ruining the sound quality of any bootleg being made in the near vicinity. Is that industry payola we hear rattling around in this guy's pockets? (Er, would have heard if he hadn't just coughed up a lung laughing so loudly at a mundane boobie joke).

Which brings us to our final movie outing in recent months in which we can't help but feel that the studios have become unconscionably bold in their intrusiveness into the movie going experience. The audience for this film featured the same giggling bafoon, strategically seated two seats away, valiantly serving the American ideals of justice, liberty and intellectual property rights with his cackle blocking of any would-be bootleggers. And studios love investing in this guy becuase his uproarious laughter and drunken, Paul Abdul seal-claps of approval also remind audiences that the mediocre movie they are watching is actually fucking hysterical. But just in case those efforts are too subtle, the studio behind this movie actually hired a team of "activists" dressed in white lab coats to descend on movie-goers after the film and plead for us to complete a survey about the movie we had just seen. Only with our help, they claimed, could this incredibly funny movie get the wide-release distribution it deserved. To feed a starving child in Africa for a week and send this movie to the mutliplex in Dubuque, all we needed to do is circle "5" for every question on the form. It feels so good just knowing that you are part of the solution.

Perhaps going out to the movies is proving too much for the cynical Noodles. Maybe we should all just stay home and see what the Tivo has dragged in. Tonight's offer: "Maria Shriver and Oprah's friend Gayle look into America's poor."

What was wrong with the Oscars - a few key bullet points:

Besides being the least entertaining telecast OF ALL TIME, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is a delusional faded actress from another time period still pleading for her close up Mr. Demille.

That said, Gil Cates needs to be voted off the island. Every year, within weeks leading up to The Big Night, producer Cates makes the rounds spreading the false word that, this year's awards will be different, will be lively, and most of all will entertain. Like our own president, Cates has proven himself an insurgent of truth.

Jessica Alba. As a presenter. Come on, the Oscars are supposed to be a classy joint.

Showing movie montages with clips of movies that were made before 1950. 99.9% of the viewing audience has neither heard of or seen a movie made before 1950 unless it is Gone With the Wind. You don't see the Grammys reminiscing about the days when The Hookilau swept the nation. No, the Grammys keep it fresh. Late 20th Century is as far back as they will go to be self congratlatory as an industry. Point being, let it go Oscars. It's done, it was great, move on.

Crash wins for best picture. One Noodle loses all faith in The Academy. Crash is an unrealistic and ugly film with a message that is ever so subtley pounded into your face for a good 113 minutes. Awful. That movie is AWFUL. LA is a melting pot of cultural diversity, not an ignorant racist small town as Crash leaves one to believe.

That's pretty much it. Bahh.

2006 Choice Awards

For your consideration:


BEST MOTION PICTURE:
Brokeback Mountain
Shopgirl
The Squid and the Whale
Jarhead
Melinda & Melinda
Munich


BEST DIRECTOR:
Ang Lee – Brokeback Mountain
Steven Speilberg – Munich
Noah Baumbach- The Squid and the Whale


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE:
Jeff Daniels – The Squid and the Whale
Heath Ledger – Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix – Walk the Line
Jason Scwartzman – Shopgirl
Phillip Seymour Hoffman – Capote
Felicity Huffman - Transamerica


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE:
Claire Danes – Shop Girl
Laura Linney – The Squid and the Whale
Rhada Mitchel – Melinda & Melinda
Felicity Huffman - Transamerica


BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE:
Will Ferrel – Melinda & Melinda
Peter Sarsgaard – Jarhead
Ed Harris A History of Violence
Billy Baldwin – The Squid and the Whale


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE:
Maria Bello – A History of Violence
Rosario Dawson - Rent
Michelle Williams – Brokeback Mountain


BEST PERFORMANCE BY A KID IN A MOTION PICTURE:
Younger brother – The Squid and the Whale
Younger brother – You and Me and Everyone We Know
Rocco Ritchie – I’m Going To Tell You a Secret


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ANIMAL IN A MOTION PICTURE:
Bear that eats the documentary subject– Grizzly Man
437th penguin from the front – March of the Penguins
Winn Dixie – Because of Winn Dixie
Vince Vaughn – Wedding Crashers


BEST DOCUMENTARY:
Grizzly Man
Murderball
Rize
Wal-Mart: High Cost of Low Price
Madonna's I'm Going to Tell You a Secret


WORST MOTION PICTURE:
Dukes of Hazard
The Producers
Rent (sad, but true)
War of the Worlds
Be Cool
Monster in Law
Rumor Has It


BEST LINE FROM A MOVIE:
“I wish I could quit you” – Ennis DelMar, Brokeback Mountain
“Poop back and forth. Forever” – Younger brother, You and Me and Everyone We Know
“I’ve been reading a lot of books on tape.” – Jeremy, Shopgirl
"But I'm a philistine." - younger brother - The Squid and the Whale
“Don’t fuck with Mr. Zero.” – sorry, wrong decade


BEST "FORMULA" MOTION PICTURE:
Mrs. Henderson Presents – quirky British dame flouts convention by betting on naked boobies to bring the house down. Second only to the invasion at Normandy, her free-spirited, “this just might work” ideas are actually responsible for Allied victory in WWII.

In Her Shoes – Stupid girls are blond and pretty. Smart girls are chubby and worry too much about their careers. Can’t we all just get along? Just be beautiful and flaky and your dreams will come true. If you were less responsible and not so ugly, you’d have a better life.

King Kong – Giant monkey beats the shit out of dinosaurs. All boys in audience pop boners of joy. Hot girl falls for rebellious bad boy monkey and his barbaric ways.

The Upside of Anger – Rich anorexic mom has four beautiful daughters, none of which are slutty or on drugs. This makes mom miserable. Meanwhile, dad falls into a hole in the backyard and dies. White people are crazy.

Rent – Slackers hate working but love singing about AIDS.. Let’s get the original cast, now in their 40s, to reprise their roles as disaffected youth. If it works on Broaday, all we need is Chris Colombus to make it work at the multiplex in Omaha.


THANK YOU FOR SINGLE-HANDEDLY RUINING THE FILM:
Chris Columbus (director) - RENT
Winn Dixie – Because of Winn Dixie
Mike Binder (director and loser boyfriend of teenage daughter)- The Upside of Anger


MOST OVERHYPED FILM:
MatchPoint
Mr. And Mrs. Smith
Dukes of Hazard
War of the Worlds
Hustle and Flow
Crash


WORST TRAILER:
Breakfast on Pluto
Millions
Mrs. Henderson Presents
The Family Stone (a comedy without a single funny moment in the trailer)


WORST TITLE:
Because of Winn-Dixie
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Must Love Dogs
Chumscrubber
The Constant Gardener


BEST 'BROKEBACK' INSPIRED PORN TITLES:
Bareback Mount Him
Humpback Mountain
Buttsmack Pounding
Must Love Dogs


MOST OVEREXPOSED IN 2005:
Eva Longoria
TomKat
Jessica Simpson
Gay cowboys
Brangelina
Vaughnifer


MOST LIKELY TO SHOW UP AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS FLYING ON OXYCONTIN:
Jonathan Rhys Meyers
Colin Ferrell
Dave Chappelle
Ryan Seacrest
Teri Hatcher
George Michael


MOST DEHYDRATED/EXHAUSTED CELEBRITY OF 2005:
Ashlee Simpson
Whitney Houston
Tara Reid
Lindsay Lohan
Michael Jackson


GO AWAY!:
Maria Menounos
Billy Bush
Lindsay Lohan
Eva Longoria


BEST DRESSED ON THE RED CARPET:
Scarlett Johannsen
Penguins from Walk of the Penguins
Johnny Depp
Charlize Theron


BEST CELEBRITY KATRINA AID APPEARANCE:
Kanye West


MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD IN 2005:
Access Express (choo choo!)
Maria Menounos’ laugh
Billy Bush fighting with Jessica Simpson’s publicist
Nancy O’Dell’s perma-pose: hands clasped in front of non-existant tummy bulge, right leg strategically placed diagnalloy in front of left to make nonestistant things appear thinner


PRETTIEST COUPLE:
Brad and Angelina
Rosario Dawson and Jason Lewis
Jude Law and Sienna Miller


SPECIAL SOYNOODLES POLL - BABY BRANGELINA IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE:
Brad
Angie
Maddox
Jon Voight

Breakfast slop and a Muppet review

Is anybody out there? Is this blog echoing? One Noodle is considering turning this blog into every other blog that's out there - full of gripes and moans, movie reviews, and daily ramblings about trips to Trader Joe's, holiday shopping and all kinds of other boring shit that nobody really cares about - except the writer of this blog. Se moi, Noodle.

One Noodle attended her company's annual holiday breakfast this morning. Hordes of underpaid employees packing their lovely lady humps into their $170 True Religion jeans lined up around the block to shove normally unwanted carbs into their mouths. Carbs that you don't have to pay for obviously don't count. Along with the carbs, batches of yellow runny slop trying to be eggs were scooped onto our trays while cheery white people dressed up like Mrs. Claus and her posse of plus-sized dip-shits sang Christmas carols.

When food is free, people tend to lose their fucking minds. Men stacked their trays with every imagineable animal carcus and then ran back to their cubicles to troff out. The girls pretty much stuck to the free carbs. Atkins is officially dead and buried.

The Noodle enjoyed her free breakfast. Though all things considered, she would much rather have a Christmas bonus in her pocket than a stack of undigested "eggs" in her tummy. There's always next year.

In other news...
Muppets Go to Oz is unwatchable. This Noodle laughed when they finally got to Oz and one Muppet turned to the camera and said, "If you have Dark Side of the Moon, push play now." That was funny. But even that brilliant line couldn't save the rest of the movie from getting a BOO! review.

Noodles Greatest Hits and some Misses

Now that we've returned, everyone wants to know, "So,what was your favorite place?" Each and every place we visited (except for Swishy, Poland - we hated that place) had its own special trait or quality or local food that we loved. And so we've come up with a list of favorites and not so favorites.





BEST FOOD: Israel (freshest fruit and vegetables and unbelievable hummous!) and Thailand (every kind of food you could ever dream of having available for pennies and totally delicious)

BEST LOOKING PEOPLE: Buenos Aires, Argentina

WORST LOOKING PEOPLE: Swishy, Poland

MOST EXPENSIVE DRINK: Park Hyatt, Tokyo 1700 yen martinis

CHEAPEST DRINK: Bottled water, Prague grocery store, 4 cents.

WEIRDEST CULTURAL EXPERIENCE: Candomble, Brazil

NICEST BEACH: Bamboo Island off Koh Phi Phi, Thailand, Lopez Mendez in Ilha Grande, Brazil, and Kailua Beach, Oahu

BEST TRAVEL ACCESORY: Ambien and anti-bacterial gel

MOST STYLISH CITIES, AKA BEST DRESSED: Reykjavik, Copenhagen, and Harajuku

WORLD'S BIGGEST TREND: Livestrong bracelets and their spinoff colors

WORLD'S FAVORITE SONG: Lonely, by Akon

WORLD'S FAVORITE BOOK: The Da Vinci Code

WORLD'S FAVORITE ACTOR: Ashton Kutcher - no matter what mode of transportation we were on, all over the world, they were always showing an Ashton Kutcher movie

WORLD'S MOST POPULAR DOG: Weenie

BEST PUBLIC TRANSPORT: Japan. As our friend Rebecca likes to say, their motto should be, "Even if someone jumps in front of the train, we are always on time."

BEST TAN: Cousin Rochelle (also, best Guest Noodle)

LONGEST LENGTH OF TRAVEL: 17 hour bus ride, Argentina

BEST DISCOUNT AIRLINE: Gol (Brazil) and Bangkok Air (Thailand)

We'll try and think of more and add later. There's been some extreme pressure to get a new blog up - we're buckling under the pressure.

In the meantime, keep checking back at soynoodles. We will try to keep this thing going for as long as possible.

The rest of Japan

We're not done yet!

While Kirstie Peen Superstar went off to work to continue generating the highest revenue at her company for the third straight quarter and Typhoon Amadeus (better known among less dramatic peoples as "rain") decended on Tokyo, the Noodles took a day trip down to Kisarazu where Ande lived for 2 years "teaching English" and showing confused Japanese kids E.T. and The Breakfast Club. Ande toured Jen around all of Kisarazu's hippest spots, including the Japanese Gemco clone, Jusco, where Ande spent all of her depressed hours in 'Pan cruising the food aisles crying that there was no hummous (but basking in the air conditioning).

Jusco!


Jusco's best selling pencil case. It speaks the truf.


We also met up with Ande's old friend Kumiko, full-time piano tuner and part-time cat groomer. Here's Kumi's cat Banana, freshly cut the day before we arrived. Banana was secretly shy that Kumi's cut left him with Ugg-like booties around his angles. Uggs are so last season.

Banana dreams of cooler, Marc Jacobs-tassled paws


Kumi and Ande pose by Rebecca's old car


Kumi-chan took us out for great okonomiyaki - a delicious carb-filled Japanese treat that you cook yourself at your table.

Kumi at okonomiyaki - yum!


Back in Tokyo, the Peen continued her efforts to be crowned best Noodle Host of all time (right up there with Kater, Ilana, Sharon, Roussenqs, and Team Aba). So she put the three of us on a Shinkansen (Bullet Train) that shot us straight to Karuizawa, a trendy, but relaxed, mountain town near Nagano where dogs run around in designer jeans and Adidas track suits and people get out of their cars for 5 minutes to ride bikes.

People come to Karuizawa to escape this grind


The girls strike a professional pose on the deck of the company cabin


You don't even need to lock your bikes in Karuizawa (or in all of Japan for that matter)


Peen and Jen take on Karuizawa town


This Karuizawa dog is wearing jean shorts (not shown is his sister in a jean skirt)


Can someone explain once and for all why we don't have a bullet train between L.A. and Vegas?


This square watermelon costs $52 USD (the boring round one is a steal at only $50)


We spent the weekend in Kirstie's company's gorgeous mountain cabin where we relaxed, played and ate. Kirstie prepared her famous (famous for about 3 weeks now) summer fruits curry. We loved it. We also took a trip to the nearby Onsen (Japanese hot spring) where the sight of three naked gaijin was too much for the locals to handle. They stared, pointed, and giggled and Ande felt suddenly nostalgic for the good old days living in Japan. Yeah, no.

A moment of serene reflection outside the onsen. Next stop: naked with strangers.


Our last few days in Japan were spent running around Harajuku, Ebisu, and Akihabara trying to take a decent print club picture. We also stopped by Mejijingu Temple in Shinjuku where Jen had sworn Kirstie had taken her to on her last trip to Japan. But as it turned out, Kirstie merely took Jen to a Burger King, and told Jen that was the famous Temple. We walked around reading the notes and wishes people had written on traditional wooden placards and tied with red ribbons onto a wishng wall, and overheard a poor, unfortunate soul utter the words, 'I wish I could get out of my loser phase' before penning it on a block of wood and adding it to the wall of wishes.

Peace on earth. Health and happiness for people and dogs. And at last, things are looking up for Joyride (see no. 5)


Hey, last time Jen was at Meijijingu, it smelled like french fries.


The Noodles also managed a day trip to Matsushima, known as 'the third best view of Japan," which after visiting and looking in vain for scenic, mountain panoramics, we think just means that it has nice things to look at, and not that it gives you a great view of something else. Anyway, it was gorgeous and had a number of beautiful temples and gardens.

Ande in Matsushima


Jen in Matsushima


From a temple in Matsushima


On our very last night in Japan, Peener outdid herself by taking the Noodles and Kumiko to the bar at the top of the Park Hyatt in Shinjuku where Bill Murray meets Scarlett Johanson in Lost in Translation. We got there five minutes before last call (12:00am - why so early??) and were able to enjoy the most expensive drinks we've ever sipped - 1700 yen (around $17) for a martini. Good thing we only had time for one drink. We closed down the bar and then headed over to Peen's friend Kei's cutest little bar.

Ande and Kumi-chan mesmerized by the view at the Park Hyatt Tokyo


Scarlett Johansen wouldn't have been as alluring if she had to down a Spciy Avocado Martini like Ande - Park Hyatt Tokyo


Can it really be that our time in Japan is over?!? We miss it already. Thank you Peen! Thank you Kumi-chan! Thank you Japan!

Not done yet...

For those of you still checking in - we're not done yet. We've got a few more entrys coming. Soon. Promise!